Characters in the Ghanaian Church

As for us Ghanaians, we go to church to listen to the word of God o. Well, most of us do, at least, and that’s just as well. Because if we were to spend less of our time fellowshipping and more of it observing, we’d get the giggles. And that wouldn’t be such a good thing to do in church, would it? Anyway, so after watching the people in my church for a while, I described them to my friends and they were so amused by it that I thought I should share it with you.

Chairman

The Chairman is a osikani belebele (tr: rich man). I call him Chairman because this big man is usually the one who gets to chair harvests and other church events of equal importance. This man shows up to church in the finest of Western style tailored clothing with shiny designer shoes or in traditional garb befitting a chief which he pairs with ahenema. He drives a Mercedes or BMW saloon car and is frequently late to church.

Obia nyɛ Obia

These people form the majority of the Mens Fellowship. Their favourite church attire is the grey or brown political suit which they wear with Opanka sandals or some other Kumasi-made shoe with a “made in italy” label on it. These men cannot dance. When they try, they stick with the wiper dance (shifting weight from one foot to the other in a motion very like that of a car wiper). Their one redeeming feature is they know how to pray long elaborate prayers which begin with Otweadeampong Nyame a, yɛ twere wo a wo ndi yɛn hwiambɔ da! Anapa yi, wo nkoa ne wo mfenaa ya ba w'anim. (tr: God almighty in whom our trust is not misplaced, this morning your servants have come before you)

Ogyacious Brother

This man is on fire for the lord. In the fictional Ghanaian church whose youth fellowship greeting is Aroma, Shake The World, he’d be the one most likely to invent the slogan. This man does not have a great job because his education was terminated due to financial difficulty, however his authority in the church cannot be disputed. He executes his role as prayer warrior with much flourish and in his prayers, he leaves no doubt in anyone’s mind that he is knowledgeable about the bible and has a personal relationship with God. This man may not put much in the collection bowl, but he dances to honor the lord, usually with a handkerchief and his mpɔnkɔ dance (tr: horse dance). He's so vigilant about fornication that one can only hope he’s a virgin. They also believe strongly in the bible passage that says the young will dream dreams and so he will occasion dream that he was getting married to a sister in the church. As he takes dreams seriously, he'll communicate this to the sister and sometimes dreams come true. Praise the lord!

The Rich Man’s Wife

As a wedded wife, her name is Mrs. Paul Kwesi [insert husband’s last name here]. She is active in the women’s fellowship but will not join the singing band or the choir. How can she, when every week, she has to display her latest damask and lace kabas, complete with gold and silver jewellery and hair. At collection time, you do not want her to be dancing in front of you because she dances a little forward, then she dances backward shoving her big ass in front of you. You find her many times in front of the church receiving special prayers which the pastor prays for those who have given thanksgiving offering.

The Singing Band

This is the home of the poor and down-trodden who believe that “let everything that hath breathe praise the lord”. On good days, they sing superbly. On bad days, they are way off key.

The SS-Girl

There are two types of girls in the church, that is the one who attends what she believes to be a superior school such as Wesley Girls High School or St. Roses Secondary School and the one who goes to Benso Secondary. (I like to use Benso secondary because I know their headmaster and think the school deserves some mention). I won’t talk much about the latter, but the former comes to church in clothing that is wonderfully color-cordinated. At offertory time, she does not dance, but walks stiffly. Imagine if she is behind the rich man’s wife. The roles she likes to play are Bible Reader, Usher, and Giver of the Vote of Thanks. After church, she does not stay behind to help the rest of the young people pack up the place but as she is usually the Chairman’s daughter, she hops into their car and they leave. Last to arrive, first to leave. hmm...

Have I left any characters or characteristics out or misrepresented any of them?