Written by Nana Darkoa
I remember a number of years ago having a conversation with an older Ghanaian man and he said:
“Ghanaian women are hypocritical; they remain virgins until they get married but when they get married they start to sleep around”.
Hmmm, that was news for me. All I had seen throughout my life was the reverse. I had seen (and still see) married men perpetually cheating on their wives, I had seen (and still see) men who have several girlfriends, heard about men who die and post mortem entire “new” families are discovered. I know people who have no idea how many children their fathers have and some who have lost count of the number of half brothers and half sisters that they have so I was frankly amazed that this man accused Ghanaian women of being hypocrites.
I have done a little (unscientific) poll amongst my friends/colleagues/
“There are no sanctions for men who cheat”
Seriously! That really gets to me. What are the consequences for a woman who cheats on her husband/boyfriend/lover? Chances are he will leave her, her reputation will be in tatters and no one will be interested in hearing her side of the story.
What happens to men who cheat? Nothing! The women they have cheated on very often stay in the relationship and/or turn a blind eye to continued infidelities. The excuses that people (men and women) make for men who cheat is what really drives me up the wall, “Men will be Men”. Really? Of course, “Men will be Men” if we continue making statements like this. What one is really saying with that statement is that part of being a man is being a cheat. The implication is also that men are somehow genetically wired to cheat or are so physically weak that they cannot resist a woman they are sexually attracted to. Puh leeze! I would like to give men a lot more credit and say “Men cheat because they get away with it”
Let’s come back to the issue of Ghanaian women who play the field only after they are married. I was speaking to a friend today who originates from a neighbouring African country and according to her married women in her country are beginning to have affairs “…because after all the men do the same thing”. If we accept the hypothesis that “Ghanaian women play the field post marriage” could this be the reason why? Or do Ghanaian women cheat post marriage because they are given no opportunities to express/learn about their sexuality before they get married? Young men are encouraged to sow their wild oats whilst women are encouraged to keep their legs firmly closed. Actually who are those young men supposed to be sleeping with? It is usually girls who are perceived to be from the wrong side of the tracks or girls who are regarded as “loose”.
The real crux of the issue for me is the double standards around sexuality for women and men. However, I think the double standards have a negative impact on both women and men. Double standards around women’s sexuality prevent women from totally letting go in the bedroom (or wherever you choose to have sex). After all if you are as wild and freaky as you want to be the man starts to wonder “How many men has she slept with”, “This girl is a freak (and not in a positive sense)”.
What are your thoughts? Do Ghanaian women cheat once married? What can we do to get rid of these double standards? Any other thoughts?
Nana Darkoa
Esi its Marian.
ReplyDeleteMy take on this issue is that I think Ghanaian women who cheat after marriage are probably left unsatisfied by their husbands. A lot of women married and unmarried have similar stories. It does not mean that women who find themselves this situation are nymphs or freaks. It is more because men and women are built differently, in physique and what it to takes emotionally, and physically elicit a sexual/pleasurable response from both.You often hear men who cheat say that they don't just want sex, they want GOOD sex.It takes a partner who knows about your body and sexual needs to please you. How many Ghanaian couples actually invest time in or try to find out what pleases their partner? REALLY pleases them? So part of it is being ignorant about a woman's biology and sexual needs and when that has continued for sometime, the woman "finds" someone who she thinks can satisfy her, but if she and her "new catch" cannot communicate their sexual needs, I doubt she will be satisfied anyway. Same goes for the husbands. Then maybe they resort to people of the same-sex?? OOps.
Esi its Marian.
ReplyDeleteMy take on this issue is that I think Ghanaian women who cheat after marriage are probably left unsatisfied by their husbands. A lot of women married and unmarried have similar stories. It does not mean that women who find themselves this situation are nymphs or freaks. It is more because men and women are built differently, in physique and what it to takes emotionally, and physically elicit a sexual/pleasurable response from both.You often hear men who cheat say that they don't just want sex, they want GOOD sex.It takes a partner who knows about your body and sexual needs to please you. How many Ghanaian couples actually invest time in or try to find out what pleases their partner? REALLY pleases them? So part of it is being ignorant about a woman's biology and sexual needs and when that has continued for sometime, the woman "finds" someone who she thinks can satisfy her, but if she and her "new catch" cannot communicate their sexual needs, I doubt she will be satisfied anyway. Same goes for the husbands. Then maybe they resort to people of the same-sex?? OOps.
So why can't they just teach each other what constitutes good sex for each of them (husbands and wives, i.e?)- or is that an oversimplification? As for people who cheat, there is no excuse. You want to have many sexual partners, more power to you, but you shouldn't be in a committed relationship otherwise (again - is that an oversimplification?)
ReplyDeleteTo anonymous:
ReplyDeleteIt is an oversimplification. I don't think the majority of married people who have found themselves in another person's bed envisioned such a situation when they were saying their vows or planning to spend the rest of their lives together.
It is the reality of an unsatisfactory or dysfunctional sexual relationship that in my opinion would drive a married person into the arms of another. You ask "why can't they just teach other?" My question to you is why do you think they dont? Ask yourself do they know how to communicate effectively with each other in general? Is there anything in their past relationships with people that has affected how they communicate with their partners? Does the woman trust the man? Does he feel like "the man" in the marriage? Is she attractive? Is he? Are there children in the marriage and how has that affected her sexual drive? Is he still attracted to her body after she has had his kids?
So why don't they learn? Isn't that what marriage is about? In the long run, I don't think extramarital affairs help anyone. No one is saying it is easy, just that it is doable. Then again, I am not married. Mebbe when i get there, then i will see how it is.
ReplyDeleteAnd while communication breakdowns are the causes of many relationships, it still doesn't justify affairs. As for looks,those are not cvalid reasons at all. A reasonable man cannot expect a woman's body to stay the same after it bears his child (although that is no excuse for the woman to let herself go). And after kids, people's sex drives do change. it is not reasonable to expect a person's sex drive to be the same when they are up taking care of kids till 10pm when b4 the kids, they were free after 6pm. All of these issues can be worked around. It may not be easy, but it can be worked around. After all, there are many marriages that have kids that don't fail. A man/woman can communicate their needs to their lover but not to their spouse? I don't know. Again, I'm not married, so perhaps that is why it seems strange to me. Either way, reasons for affairs don't justify affairs when one is in a committed relationship. simple.
ReplyDeleteI was finally unpacking a bag I traveled to Ghana with over the Christmas and found a piece of paper which was handed to me by a lovely and bubbly lady at the National Theater when I attended to watch Unhappy Wives, Confused Husbands (I think that was the name of the 'productions' - as Ghanaians call it). On this piece of paper was written the web address to this blog. On visiting, I must admit, there are some pretty interesting postings here.
ReplyDeleteNana Darkoa,
ReplyDeleteI find this piece entirely biased and unsubstantiated. I think you were not amazed by what the man said which by the way may be true. Instead, you had your own opinion on what he said. Those are entirely different positions. The man said women are hypocrites because they maintain their virginity until marriage and then sleep around when they are married. I agree not all women do that but some do and that makes that statement accurate. Especially when those women turn out to be Ghanaians.
I would like to see a break down of your little unscientific poll. Show me some evidence. On your theory on why Ghanaian men cheat, I ask you to do some research (maybe another little unscientific poll) and revise it. There are equal sanctions when a man cheats. The woman has a choice to leave the man just as the man has a choice to leave the woman. You mention that and I think if you take an objective stance, you will find that the sanctions against a man are more severe than that of woman. After all, there are more females in Ghana than males and the females will be more than interested to hear the woman's side of the story than the man's. Usually, the man has no explanation. His reputation is equally in tatters.
You begin to sound very bitter as if you have been cheated on. Maybe you have. Who am I to say? But I do agree with you only to the extent that it is never part of any man to cheat. Men cheat because they want to. No matter what a man's excuse is, there is never a need to cheat. But then, there is the question: men cheat on women with other women (who are usually aware that the men are taken either at the start or later on and still carry on). So why do some women facilitate cheating against their fellow women?
I lose you at the end of the article or I rather enjoyed reading than criticizing. I think a fair conclusion - even though debatable - is that women who remain virgins have no idea or experience of sleeping with men. Once they get married there are expectations and the husband has a great task of ensuring that his wife has ultimate pleasure from their marital affairs since he opted to marry a virgin. If he doesn't meet that expectation, the woman is more likely to get that expectation met elsewhere. An alternative to that will be for the woman to sleep around as much as she pleases before getting married. I am sure no man or even woman will ever opt for the alternative. So we should all work on keeping our partners in our bed with us only.
@Marian - Thanks for sharing your perspective and adding to the conversation. I think it would be really interesting if there was some "scientific" research into the different reasons why men and women cheat. Who knows, maybe there is and I just haven't found it yet.
ReplyDelete@Anon - I do think in an ideal world partners should be able to teach each other what constitutes good sex for them...alas we are not in an ideal world but hey we can work towards creating that in our own individual ways, right?
@Chix - This piece is based on the evidence of my own life (what I have observed, seen and discussed with numerous friends, family and colleagues). I have taken up your challenge and posed some questions for another unscientific poll on my blog at www.adventuresfrom.blogspot.com Why don't you also do a poll amongst your male friends and see what their response is?
I sound bitter? Oh dear, I'm not bitter at all...I just get worked up when I think of the double standards and hypocrisy in so many of our societies and no one I have ever been in a relationship with has cheated on me (at least not to my knowledge) but hey you don't have to experience something personally to feel passionate about it, right?
"...women facilitate cheating against their fellow women" ? I think it is the responsibility of the person who is in the relationship NOT to cheat. So if you cheated on your girlfriend for e.g. why should she go blaming the woman (or man) you cheated on her with? You're the one she is in the relationship in.
Nevertheless I agree with you that we should work on keeping our partners in bed (or wherever else we choose to have sex) with us only
This problem reigns true all around the world but very simply put communication bullet proofs your marriage and relationships from infidelity. Try it... There is never a good reason to cheat no matter what he or she says,end of story.
ReplyDeleteNana, I am happy U know that most of the time men cheat with women. Women are their own enemies. Most women know the marital statuses of some men, yet they go on to help them cheat.
ReplyDeleteIts just like Bribery, if there is no one who is willing to take, then there will be no one willing to pay. In my opinion the men are just as guilty as the women.
ABOLISH MARRIAGE!
ReplyDeletelol...uhm...Do these men cheat with other men or other women? It sure is the responsibility of the people in the relationship to remain faithful to each other but what about when Mr X is being aggresively pursued by another person who knows very well that this Mr and Mrs X are in a very committed relationship?... maybe none of you have experienced this before. I pray it never happens to you but seriously, this is not just an issue for the Ghanaian man, women are to blame too!
ReplyDeletePeople cheat because of the break down in communication or lack of it. More and more people just want to explore their sexuality when they meet instead of spending time to build on the foundation of their friendship! It has become "lets hop in bed and explore each others body and learn each others body language" before "lets try and build each others character up and see where we can go from here".
Well good job, people! Continue exploring your sexuality in every way possible and neglect the basis of a good relationship. If you have not learned to commit to each other how do you expect to maintain that commitment when you are married?
That is just my two cents but what do I know? My commitment and relationship history has been limited to one and only one person!
"More and more people just want to explore their sexuality when they meet instead of spending time to build on the foundation of their FRIENDSHIP'!!!!
ReplyDeleteMaxine, you hit the nail on the head.I think good friendship is IMPERATIVE for any marriage to last long.We so underestimate it!
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ReplyDeleteso truth is men cheat! very true. if you doubt it ask me.
ReplyDeletebut question is, who do the men cheat with??? at least there ain't many gay Ghanaian men! and if you're not sure, then ask yourself. lol.
the world is just lovely!
@ Maxine, on point! you can take my two cents! :-)
ReplyDeleteWhen friendship becomes the focus of your relationship, communication is second nature...then I think you are less prone to cheating cos when that guy or girl (or man or woman) shows up, chances are that we will be having a conversation about it!
Nana's article has a lot of truths in it yet some discrepancies.In some areas in Ghana a man can get away with cheating but in today's "modern Ghana" a wife won't stick around if her husband cheats. She will move on and leave this man in misery.So there are dire consequences for men who cheat. They don't get a slap on the wrist and walk off free.The man you spoke to was generalizing his opinion based on what he has experienced. That is not the general opinion of all Ghanian men.
ReplyDeletedo u think people cheat because they marry 2 young.u need 2 learn more about life & about yourself, before u are mature enough 2 settle down.u need 2 have met different men 2 truly know when u have found the right one. unless u are lucky 2 find mr right straight away.if i had married early i would have felt trapped & yearned 4 more in life. it wasnt until i was in my late twenties that i was mature enough & learned enough 2 want 2 settle down now & truly know what i want, i just need a good man 2 go with it now. i would never hurt any1 by having an affair in a committed relationship if u want 2 have sex with many others then stay single & have flings with other singles. affairs break peoples hearts & trust. in england men & women equally cheat but alot of women are unmarried here with their own lives & go in & out of relationships until they find the one 2 settle down with. it doesnt mean they are loose women they are just searching 4 the man that they have that spark with & they feel like they have known each other 4 years whom u instantly get on with u develop friendship then love. then u discover each others bodies explore sex 2gether then everything else follows its magical. so why should women that are looking 4 this be called loose no matter how long it takes them 2 find it.
ReplyDeletei would like somebody to mention the issue on why men cannot keep their eyes away from each female ars walking on the street while they are just walking with their partner?some lessons about what respect means should be given !!!!
ReplyDelete