@Faf, c'mon...these are barely standards? Here was I thinking its really the barest minimum. Pray tell, which of these would be tough to fulfil?
Anyway, here's the list...to serve as a reminder for the forgetful ones:
1.Smart, but not arrogant 2.Should not spend all or more than he earns 3.Should treat “unimportant” people with respect 4.Should be thoughtful towards the people closest to him...like his family 5.Should not be overly in love with his work 6.Should not be overly in love with boys boys 7.Can forgive and not bring up past wrongs 8.Supportive of his woman’s dreams even if they’re bigger than his 9.Does not disrespect his woman 10.Should not allow you to walk all over him
Yep, anonymous...this is what I'm looking out for. I'm sure everyone will have their own "list" or few things they won't compromise on. What are yours?
#2 Should not spend all or more than he earns - I find that ladies like to date a "Spender" and marry a "Saver". Ha! Talk about paradox. Two guys, one has a BMW (and in over his head with debt), the other has a Honda Civic and a savings account. Most ladies I've met will give the guy with the BMW a chance before the guy with the Honda Civic. It's very human to go with what we see. We assume the rest will work itself out.
#5 Should not be overly in love with his work - Most ladies like an ambitious man. There's a fine line between being ambitious, overly loving your work, and doing your work to the best of your ability. Certainly, a man shouldn't be overly busy with work to the long term detriment of his relationships but there are seasons and times that require an understanding and supportive lady.
interesting, your points are right on even though there are a few more others might consider like you said and i believe numbers 2 ,7 and 10 are very important.Like it
Wonderful post Esi. I think the ones that resonate most w/ me are 3, 9, and 10. I absolutely can't stand people who look down on others based on how much money they earn etc. If I can't stand this in the average Joe, well my future husband most definitely cannot think like that. As for #9, I think Aretha said it best! Respect is most definitely key and #10 is especially dear to my heart because I'm one of those evil breed of women that will see how far I can push you until you tell me to stop being a bitch. Once I've been "checked" it usually never happens again. Just as my man needs to respect me, I also need to respect my man. Personally, I would also add ambition because my husband cannot be lazy. We need to be able to push each other. And I would also like for my husband to be a true believer in God. Great post though
You must have a window to my mind, cos your list is a true refelection of all that i want in my man and more. My favourite is number 4. You can tell how a many will treat you as a wife and father to your children based on the way he treats his family.
@Kodjo, i dunno which women you've been hanging with but i'd choose the saver anyday.As boyfriend and husband. Of course we need balance, right? 'Cos i'm not sure I want a miser either but i'd appreciate a man who saves...even if it's only 5% of his income each month.
@Sankofa,we must be coming from the same mother. I have the bitchiness in me too...so if he lets me, i push it. and i push it. and i push it. I think it's human nature. It takes a very mature person to not abuse that kind of thing but even so, there are limits. If a person knows they can screw you and get away with it, they probably will. Not the first day, not the second day...but eventually...yeah. I need someone who can call me out on my bullshit. Yep!
@Sankofa, i guess a lot of christians and other religious people are able to avoid a lot of craziness in marriage because if the guy is a good christian, he probably doesn't do most of the things on this list anyway...
@Yram, yep...sadly some people think prostrating themselves before their woman is a way to endear themselves to her. Well, hopefully now they know better.
@Lucci...number 4 ranks pretty high on my list actually. I was telling one of my aunts the other day how when i met one of my exes, he wasn't speaking with his sister. Having been raised in a family where not speaking with family is unthinkable, i was surprised to find a Ghana man who did not speak with his sister. But "love" made me blind to this and i dated him. Needless to say, many months later when we broke u, it was after a month when he didn't speak with me. Childish really. And i could have avoided it because all the signs were on the wall but i ignored them. So yeah, i'm not compromising on some of these things. I think it's basic...love your neighbor as yourself stuff. If a guy can't be a decent human being, we're going to have major troubles.
Esi, I like this. These are things that I would imagine 'should go without saying'! How on earth are you gonna make a family and a home with a man without these? But I've been surprised to find that not all Ghanaian men have these qualities...are they qualities or is it common sense+good upbringing?
@Faf, I guess that's up to the woman. Me personally (hehe)...these are things that have worried me in the past. I'm not pulling this list out of my *ss but have compiled them based on my own experience with men.
This list is not a rule per se. I'm just saying these are things you might want to consider before you marry him. Maybe a women will realise that her husband comes home at 2am on Friday nights but she also loves nigerian movies so she doesn't mind being alone at that time since it allows her to watch her movies, so then sure, she can go ahead to marry the guy who is into boys boys. It's about how much you can stomach.
Again, another woman might decide that she's more interested in perception than reality so she'll go for the guy who looks afluent but is in reality living from paycheck to paycheck. That's her call to make.
I'm not saying that as long as the guy scores 10/10, you shd marry him. I'm just saying, tread carefully when you see these signs in the man you want to marry. Be sure you're not making a mistake. Don't be the woman who says 5 years into marriage...i wish someone had told me to watch out for this...
My reason for doing this podcast, as i mentioned is because our society has conditioned men to have certain expectations of wives. Men often say they want a woman who can cook, keep house, raise children, who is fine, who is faithful, etc etc...They call such a woman marriage material. But it is not often that you hear women say a man is not marriage material. But there are certainly men who are not marriage material and a lot of them have many of the characteristics listed above. So point being, maybe you'll decide that my list does not work for you. That's fine. But make sure you're doing some sort of assessment. Don't just get married because you're in love...when the feel good feelings fade and you have to make the marriage work, there are some basic traits that help...like if your guy doesn't beating you on the head with something you did 6 mths ago.
I think of any one that comes up with a points list for a marriageable person as one that is likely to remain single for a long time or be hugely blind-sided by one of those things that will inevitably be left off the list.
It's will be very difficult to find someone that is well calibrated for all of these things and that's just 10 things.
The way I see it, if you have a list of things that bug you about the person, you should even be with them... so marriage shouldnt even come in.
In marriage you have the same problems you had with the person before you marry them so it should be the other way round.
Which of this person's (perceived) faults can I not live with for the next 20 years? If any single one of them comes up you should assume any current relationship you have wont last so marriage doesnt even come in.
It's easier to look for negatives than come up with positives you want in a person. It's the bad stuff that matters
Or you could try and change them. But that's another topic altogether about how people dont change.
Interesting list. The question I have is how do you get a guy who is all these things (1-9) but not spineless (10)?! *LOL* I just read the list out loud in my office and number 5. and 6. were the most controversial. Number 5. because I am overly in love with my work and 6. because the guys (married + unmarried) can't see what is wrong with unwinding and drinking the night away with their boys. Boys will indeed be boys. A female friend whose visiting for today (and is getting married in a month) concluded it best; it is okay for your man to get 8/10 rather than 3/10 right?
for all guys, a gal who is not a marriage material:
1. one who doesn't drink
2. one who doesn't do pancake on the face!
3. one who doesn't tolerate boys boys. she'd bark at your boys. stay clear off this one!
5. one who tells you she doesn't like food. the truth is that gals love food. like is an understatement and if you so just imagine that even 'like' is denied. take the next U-turn when with this kinda gal.
6. a gal who saves money! she'd spend yours and save hers!
7. a gal who doesn't snore. your nights would be a bore. hehehe!
Esi - you forget these oooh! 1. must be good in bed (don't wait to find out and regret) 2. should not be an alcoholic 3. should be 'neat' take care of himself - hair cuts, cean car, ironed clothes, etec then he will want you always to look good with you 4. should be on the same page as far as life's goals- living abroad v. moving to ghana 5. shouldn't be controlling and smoothering and insecure with his girls other male friendships 6. character shoudl mirror yours 7. knowing how to cook a meal or 2 shouldn't hurt
all i'm saying is: 1. respect 2. humor 3. humility 4. honor that's has to be major to us as women because those are the core foundations of what we should looking for in the "future guy". Everything else will follow init...cheers!!! Doing a great job doll:)
waw! dunno how else 2 put it, big ups Esi!! one thing also is dat de guy must be ready 2 compromise oo and be ready 2 do wat will make u happy even if it doesnt fit him. my bf said he wont call me Honey or all dat mbrofo names cos it aint Ghanaian, how do i answer dat?
I'm up to number 8 and I've already forgotten the previous ones.
ReplyDeleteBy these standards, no one is marriage material but I guess that's the folly in trying to use a points-based system to choose someone to marry.
lovely podcast....n u were right on all the things to look out for...
ReplyDeleteThanks, Anonymous...
ReplyDelete@Faf, c'mon...these are barely standards? Here was I thinking its really the barest minimum. Pray tell, which of these would be tough to fulfil?
Anyway, here's the list...to serve as a reminder for the forgetful ones:
1.Smart, but not arrogant
2.Should not spend all or more than he earns
3.Should treat “unimportant” people with respect
4.Should be thoughtful towards the people closest to him...like his family
5.Should not be overly in love with his work
6.Should not be overly in love with boys boys
7.Can forgive and not bring up past wrongs
8.Supportive of his woman’s dreams even if they’re bigger than his
9.Does not disrespect his woman
10.Should not allow you to walk all over him
Hmmm, not a bad list. But is that personal to you? As my list may vary slightly.
ReplyDeleteYep, anonymous...this is what I'm looking out for. I'm sure everyone will have their own "list" or few things they won't compromise on. What are yours?
ReplyDeleteWow! This is deep.
ReplyDelete#2 Should not spend all or more than he earns - I find that ladies like to date a "Spender" and marry a "Saver". Ha! Talk about paradox. Two guys, one has a BMW (and in over his head with debt), the other has a Honda Civic and a savings account. Most ladies I've met will give the guy with the BMW a chance before the guy with the Honda Civic. It's very human to go with what we see. We assume the rest will work itself out.
#5 Should not be overly in love with his work - Most ladies like an ambitious man. There's a fine line between being ambitious, overly loving your work, and doing your work to the best of your ability. Certainly, a man shouldn't be overly busy with work to the long term detriment of his relationships but there are seasons and times that require an understanding and supportive lady.
interesting, your points are right on even though there are a few more others might consider like you said and i believe numbers 2 ,7 and 10 are very important.Like it
ReplyDeleteWonderful post Esi. I think the ones that resonate most w/ me are 3, 9, and 10. I absolutely can't stand people who look down on others based on how much money they earn etc. If I can't stand this in the average Joe, well my future husband most definitely cannot think like that. As for #9, I think Aretha said it best! Respect is most definitely key and #10 is especially dear to my heart because I'm one of those evil breed of women that will see how far I can push you until you tell me to stop being a bitch. Once I've been "checked" it usually never happens again. Just as my man needs to respect me, I also need to respect my man. Personally, I would also add ambition because my husband cannot be lazy. We need to be able to push each other. And I would also like for my husband to be a true believer in God. Great post though
ReplyDelete#10 is the reason why many men have been given their "walking papers". Nobody wants a doormat...
ReplyDeleteYou must have a window to my mind, cos your list is a true refelection of all that i want in my man and more. My favourite is number 4. You can tell how a many will treat you as a wife and father to your children based on the way he treats his family.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good list, Esi. Pretty basic requirements/standards if you ask me.
ReplyDeletethanks for the list
ReplyDelete@Kodjo, i dunno which women you've been hanging with but i'd choose the saver anyday.As boyfriend and husband. Of course we need balance, right? 'Cos i'm not sure I want a miser either but i'd appreciate a man who saves...even if it's only 5% of his income each month.
ReplyDelete@Sankofa,we must be coming from the same mother. I have the bitchiness in me too...so if he lets me, i push it. and i push it. and i push it. I think it's human nature. It takes a very mature person to not abuse that kind of thing but even so, there are limits. If a person knows they can screw you and get away with it, they probably will. Not the first day, not the second day...but eventually...yeah. I need someone who can call me out on my bullshit. Yep!
@Sankofa, i guess a lot of christians and other religious people are able to avoid a lot of craziness in marriage because if the guy is a good christian, he probably doesn't do most of the things on this list anyway...
@Yram, yep...sadly some people think prostrating themselves before their woman is a way to endear themselves to her. Well, hopefully now they know better.
@Lucci...number 4 ranks pretty high on my list actually. I was telling one of my aunts the other day how when i met one of my exes, he wasn't speaking with his sister. Having been raised in a family where not speaking with family is unthinkable, i was surprised to find a Ghana man who did not speak with his sister. But "love" made me blind to this and i dated him. Needless to say, many months later when we broke u, it was after a month when he didn't speak with me. Childish really. And i could have avoided it because all the signs were on the wall but i ignored them. So yeah, i'm not compromising on some of these things. I think it's basic...love your neighbor as yourself stuff. If a guy can't be a decent human being, we're going to have major troubles.
Just out of curiosity... is this an all-or-nothing type list or is one allowed to fall foul of a few and still be deemed marriageable.
ReplyDeleteIf the latter, how many points do you allocate to each and what is the no-no threshold. At which point do you jump and shout... Jackpot!
And what score is the "i can work with that.. i've got a few flaws of mine"
Esi, I like this. These are things that I would imagine 'should go without saying'! How on earth are you gonna make a family and a home with a man without these? But I've been surprised to find that not all Ghanaian men have these qualities...are they qualities or is it common sense+good upbringing?
ReplyDelete@Faf, I guess that's up to the woman. Me personally (hehe)...these are things that have worried me in the past. I'm not pulling this list out of my *ss but have compiled them based on my own experience with men.
ReplyDeleteThis list is not a rule per se. I'm just saying these are things you might want to consider before you marry him. Maybe a women will realise that her husband comes home at 2am on Friday nights but she also loves nigerian movies so she doesn't mind being alone at that time since it allows her to watch her movies, so then sure, she can go ahead to marry the guy who is into boys boys. It's about how much you can stomach.
Again, another woman might decide that she's more interested in perception than reality so she'll go for the guy who looks afluent but is in reality living from paycheck to paycheck. That's her call to make.
I'm not saying that as long as the guy scores 10/10, you shd marry him. I'm just saying, tread carefully when you see these signs in the man you want to marry. Be sure you're not making a mistake. Don't be the woman who says 5 years into marriage...i wish someone had told me to watch out for this...
My reason for doing this podcast, as i mentioned is because our society has conditioned men to have certain expectations of wives. Men often say they want a woman who can cook, keep house, raise children, who is fine, who is faithful, etc etc...They call such a woman marriage material. But it is not often that you hear women say a man is not marriage material. But there are certainly men who are not marriage material and a lot of them have many of the characteristics listed above. So point being, maybe you'll decide that my list does not work for you. That's fine. But make sure you're doing some sort of assessment. Don't just get married because you're in love...when the feel good feelings fade and you have to make the marriage work, there are some basic traits that help...like if your guy doesn't beating you on the head with something you did 6 mths ago.
What do you think?
I think of any one that comes up with a points list for a marriageable person as one that is likely to remain single for a long time or be hugely blind-sided by one of those things that will inevitably be left off the list.
ReplyDeleteIt's will be very difficult to find someone that is well calibrated for all of these things and that's just 10 things.
The way I see it, if you have a list of things that bug you about the person, you should even be with them... so marriage shouldnt even come in.
In marriage you have the same problems you had with the person before you marry them so it should be the other way round.
Which of this person's (perceived) faults can I not live with for the next 20 years? If any single one of them comes up you should assume any current relationship you have wont last so marriage doesnt even come in.
It's easier to look for negatives than come up with positives you want in a person. It's the bad stuff that matters
Or you could try and change them. But that's another topic altogether about how people dont change.
Interesting list. The question I have is how do you get a guy who is all these things (1-9) but not spineless (10)?! *LOL* I just read the list out loud in my office and number 5. and 6. were the most controversial. Number 5. because I am overly in love with my work and 6. because the guys (married + unmarried) can't see what is wrong with unwinding and drinking the night away with their boys. Boys will indeed be boys. A female friend whose visiting for today (and is getting married in a month) concluded it best; it is okay for your man to get 8/10 rather than 3/10 right?
ReplyDeletefor all guys, a gal who is not a marriage material:
ReplyDelete1. one who doesn't drink
2. one who doesn't do pancake on the face!
3. one who doesn't tolerate boys boys. she'd bark at your boys. stay clear off this one!
5. one who tells you she doesn't like food. the truth is that gals love food. like is an understatement and if you so just imagine that even 'like' is denied. take the next U-turn when with this kinda gal.
6. a gal who saves money! she'd spend yours and save hers!
7. a gal who doesn't snore. your nights would be a bore. hehehe!
8. to be continued.
hehehehehehe!
Esi - you forget these oooh!
ReplyDelete1. must be good in bed (don't wait to find out and regret)
2. should not be an alcoholic
3. should be 'neat' take care of himself - hair cuts, cean car, ironed clothes, etec then he will want you always to look good with you
4. should be on the same page as far as life's goals- living abroad v. moving to ghana
5. shouldn't be controlling and smoothering and insecure with his girls other male friendships
6. character shoudl mirror yours
7. knowing how to cook a meal or 2 shouldn't hurt
if he doesn't have a pot to piss in how will he be ale to buy a set for you ?
ReplyDeleteall i'm saying is:
ReplyDelete1. respect
2. humor
3. humility
4. honor
that's has to be major to us as women because those are the core foundations of what we should looking for in the "future guy". Everything else will follow init...cheers!!! Doing a great job doll:)
waw! dunno how else 2 put it, big ups Esi!!
ReplyDeleteone thing also is dat de guy must be ready 2 compromise oo and be ready 2 do wat will make u happy even if it doesnt fit him. my bf said he wont call me Honey or all dat mbrofo names cos it aint Ghanaian, how do i answer dat?
ah well, 8 out of 10 ain't bad.LOL
ReplyDelete